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Its Time To Marry Rob

This is Rob. You are in love with Rob.

Rob is your No. 1 boyfriend extraordinaire. He knows all the romance moves. He once bought you a rose, but a dog ate it.

Rob travels the country selling cups of freezing-cold vinegar out of the trunk of his minivan. You met him five years ago when he knocked on your door to sell you a cup of vinegar that had a bug in it for $75. When Rob saw how beautiful you were, he put a second bug in the cup, which he said was usually an honor reserved for the President of the United States. You fell in love with him immediately, and he has been your wonderful boyfriend ever since.

You’re goddamn right you love Rob. He is the only slab of beefcake that your libido can understand.

Rob travels the country selling cups of freezing-cold vinegar out of the trunk of his minivan. You met him five years ago when he knocked on your door to sell you a cup of vinegar that had a bug in it for $75. When Rob saw how beautiful you were, he put a second bug in the cup, which he said was usually an honor reserved for the President of the United States. You fell in love with him immediately, and he has been your wonderful boyfriend ever since.

One special night, Rob took you on a date to a restaurant so romantic that it only served lobsters that were in love with the chefs who boiled them alive. It was called Kiss Restaurant. It was the most romantic restaurant in the whole county.

You went to Kiss Restaurant with Rob. The lobster tasted sour and brave. You could hear the ghost of the lobster laughing in heaven as you eat his meat. It was the best lobster you had ever had. Three hours into the meal, Rob looked into your eyes and said, “Watch at this, amigo.” He snapped his fingers and three strippers dressed as sexy police officers dragged your car into the restaurant and blew it up with fireworks. It was the most romantic thing you had ever seen, and your heart shrieked and burped for Rob.

Then a truly magical thing happened: Rob had his friend Edgard climb out of the wreckage of your blown-up car holding a beautiful engagement ring. “Rob wants to marry you,” said Edgard, and he held the engagement ring really close to your eyes. It smelled like vinegar. “I dipped the ring in vinegar,” Rob announced to the whole restaurant, and everyone applauded.

Do you remember what happened after that?

Okay, let’s try again. It has all happened again: Rob took you to the love restaurant; he blew up your car; Edgard showed you the ring and told you that Rob wanted to marry you. The ring smelled like vinegar.

What did you say?

Yes! You agreed to marry Rob! “That’s great news, raw dog,” said Rob. “We’ll get married in exactly 10 years. Do not speak to me until then.” And then Rob left the restaurant.

That was 10 years ago today, and now…it’s finally time to marry Rob! Your wedding is in 10 minutes at OfficeMax. Before you go, you will have to pick out something to wear to your wedding. What would you like to wear?

Beautiful. Here is a picture of you wearing your Gender-Neutral Wedding Suit. You look ready for love.

Here you are at the only OfficeMax in the city. There used to be a second OfficeMax, but it got shut down for selling paper, which is one of the main ingredients in pornography.

You are inside OfficeMax and it smells wonderful. You’ve always heard that OfficeMax smells like a flower, and now you know that the rumors are true.

All your friends and family are here to celebrate your joyous wedding to Rob.

The first thing you’ll need to do is go to your Wife Nest, which is a special dressing room for the bride, to get ready for the wedding.

On your way to your Wife Nest, you run into Rob’s best man, Morris. Morris also sells ice-cold vinegar out of his car door-to-door and he met Rob at the International Vinegar Salesmen Shirtless Bible Study, which is where the millions of vinegar salesmen from all over the world get together at Stonehenge to take off their shirts and read the Bible to each other.

“I have a confession to make to you,” says Morris. “I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since the day that Rob whispered a description of what you looked like to me during International Vinegar Salesmen Shirtless Bible Study.”

“Please listen! Why don’t you leave Rob and marry me instead? I will make you so happy. I will take you to a cave that has a leather jacket in it.”

You decide to leave Rob and give your heart to Morris. He takes you to the mouth of a cave. “Hey, is there a leather jacket in there?” Morris screams into the cave.

“Yeah! There’s a leather jacket in here! I’m standing on it!” a man’s voice calls out from deep inside the cave.

Wow! You got to see a cave that had a leather jacket inside of it! You didn’t marry Rob, but you did get to marry Morris, who is worse.

The End

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You retreat to your Wife Nest. This is where the person who is waiting to marry Rob gets ready for the ceremony and waits for the wedding to start. The first thing that you will have to do is meet your maid of honor. The maid of honor is a fanatical priestess who devotes her life to making sure the bride does not get eaten by animals during the wedding.

Okay, you have declined your legal right to a maid of honor.

Looks like there’s nothing left to do but go out and marry Rob!

The second you step out of the Wife Nest you are eaten by many animals. Normally, a maid of honor could have made sure that you didn’t get eaten by animals, but since you don’t have one, there’s gorgeous wildlife from all over the world just chowing down on your meat and your hair. In your final moments, you call 911 and tell them that you’re getting eaten by animals. “Thanks so much for calling 911,” says the police dispatcher as a zebra slurps one of your legs into his mouth like spaghetti. “It really means a lot that you would think of us during your emergency.”

The animals devour you, and you don’t get to marry Rob.

The End

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Here is your maid of honor. Her name is Denna Lumbarguss. She is your best friend that you have ever seen, and so now she is the main priestess on your wedding day.

“This is such a special day for you. You must be so excited to marry Rob!”

“Well, I just want you to know that I’m going to make sure that no animals eat you during the wedding. I’m going to make it so that years from now, when you look back on your wedding day, the main thing you’ll remember about it is not getting eaten by an animal.”

“You’ll have to excuse me now,” says Denna Lumbarguss. “I need to go into the OfficeMax and kill all the animals in it before you walk down the aisle.” She leaves the Wife Nest.

All right, you’ve met the maid of honor. It is almost time for the wedding to begin. The last thing that you need to do before the wedding can begin is to call up the mayor of your city in order to let him know that you are about to get married. If the mayor does not know about your wedding in advance, then the wedding will be illegal.

You pick up the phone and call the mayor. “This is the mayor’s office,” says the mayor. “If you are calling to register your wedding with the government, please say ‘yes.’ If you are calling to make fun of how my hands are always visibly soaking wet, please wait for me to put you on speakerphone so that my wife and children can hear your insults and laugh at me too.”

All right. We will try to call the mayor again, and perhaps this time you won’t end up in jail:

You pick up the phone and call the mayor. “This is the mayor’s office,” says the mayor. “If you are calling to register your wedding with the government, please say ‘yes.’ If you are calling to make fun of how my hands are always visibly soaking wet, please wait for me to put you on speakerphone so that my wife and children can hear your insults and laugh at me too.”

“Okay, great. Let me put you on speakerphone and get my wife and kids in here so they can laugh at how wet my hands are also,” says the mayor. “Please hold on for one second.”

The mayor blows a whistle that says “FAMILY” on it, and his wife and children enter the Oval Office, which is where the mayor does all his city business. “My family,” says the mayor, “I have someone on speakerphone who is going to make fun of my wet hands now.”

“Oh, we love to make fun of your wet hands, Papa!” shrieks Arnold the Shrew, one of the mayor’s most loyal sons. The mayor’s wife and children all applaud in agreement.

“Okay, let’s get started,” says the mayor. “Let’s make fun of my wet hands.”

The mayor’s wife and children shriek with delight. “It’s true! His wet hands are ridiculous!” the mayor’s wife, Josephine Birthdaysuit, screeches with wild eyes.

“More insults! There must be more insults for my father’s wet hands!” bellows the mayor’s most honest son, Lumbers T. Gordon.

“Stop it. Stop letting me have it. Stop going no-holds-barred against my wet hands. I command it!”

The mayor’s wife and children are losing their entire brains with insane glee. “What is being said about my husband’s damp-as-the-deep hands is so true and humiliating! This is the best day of my life!” crows the wife of the mayor. She fires a revolver into the ceiling as she screams with delight. She loves when people call up and make fun of how her husband’s hands are very wet.

“Stop making fun of my wet hands,” says the mayor. “If you make fun of my oceanic mitten-stuffers one more time, I’m going to hang up this phone and banish you to a worse city.”

“Don’t listen to him,” yell the mayor’s wife and children. “Just totally fry him alive for his wet hands!”

“HOORAY!” scream all of the mayor’s wives and children in unison. They start high-fiving each other and blowing kisses at the man watching them through the window and giving them a thumbs up. “YOU ROASTED THE MAYOR! YOU ROASTED HIM TO TOAST!”

“That’s it,” says the mayor. “I’ve put up with this long enough. It’s not my fault that my hands are so wet. I hit a Water Priest with my bicycle by accident, and he told me that my hands had to be his wives forever. As soon as he said that, my hands became as wet as the ocean! So stop making fun of my wet, cursed hands! I’m hanging up on you. I never want to talk to you on the phone again. Goodbye.”

The mayor hangs up on you because you roasted him so bad. You didn’t get to register your wedding to Rob with the government, but you will probably be okay. You will probably not get arrested for having an unregistered wedding. The mayor is too busy recovering from getting fully roasted to do anything.

“All right. First of all, congratulations on your marriage happening today. I just have a few quick legal questions. Are you marrying Louis, or are you marrying Rob?”

“Oh, well that’s a relief. You were really roasting the hell out of my wet hands. All right. First of all, congratulations on your marriage happening today. I just have a few quick legal questions. Are you marrying Louis, or are you marrying Rob?”

“All right, so you’re marrying Louis. That’s very exciting for you,” says the mayor. “Your marriage to Louis is now officially registered with the government. In order to legally record your upcoming nuptials, a statue of you kissing Louis will now be dropped on top of me, which will kill me. In this way, everyone will know that you are married to Louis. Goodbye.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t listen to you right now,” says the mayor. “I need to go get crushed to death by a statue of you kissing Louis. Congratulations on your wedding to Louis. I’m going to hang up on you now.”

The mayor hangs up. For some reason you told him you were marrying Louis instead of Rob. This was incorrect, and it’s unclear why you did that.

Suddenly you hear someone knocking on the door of your Wife Nest.

You open the door. It’s Louis.

“The government sent me here to marry you,” says Louis.

You marry Louis by government mandate. At the wedding, Louis reads his own vows. Here is a transcript of what he says to you as you stand at the altar in front of your friends and family on the day that the two of you wed:

“Konnichiwa, buckaroo. I don’t know who you are. I am Louis. I love you. I will love you forever. However, if you ever turned into a giant bug like in that ass-backwards book from olden times, I would have no choice but to kill you big time.”

It’s the most beautiful speech you’ve ever heard and you decide that Louis is probably fine, even though he isn’t Rob. You get married and spend the rest of your lives together, which is about six days because during your honeymoon to the Korean Demilitarized Zone, the sound of an exploding land mine causes you both to panic and run shrieking into the ocean. You never resurface.

The End

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“Sorry, buckaroo,” says Louis, “but as it says here on this official government mandate, we are legally required to wed. So, I guess you’ve got to marry me.”

Well, you refused to marry Louis, and so now you have to go to jail for disobeying a government mandate. Your cellmate is a man who is in prison because the government told him to marry a sponge.

“It was a good sponge,” he says to you as you rot away in your prison cell together. “I just wasn’t in LOVE with it, you know?” You nod. You understand what it is like to think a sponge is a good sponge without necessarily wanting to marry the sponge and spend the rest of your life having sex with it. Love is complicated.

You are sentenced to 90 billion years in prison, and when you get out, you have nothing to do because everyone died when the sun exploded. You die of boredom, and you didn’t get to marry Rob.

The End

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“Okay, I understand that you’re marrying Rob. My next question is, after you marry Rob, are you going to SMELL him or are you going to KILL him?”

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